Who is Mike and Why Is His Booze Hard? Because I've Drunk a Lot of It and It's Pretty Soft!

Dear Mike:

I don't know who the hell you are but you know your shit when it comes to alcoholic goodness, let me tell you. Your Hard Lime in particular is a Guv'ner favourite - filled with tart yet sweet, sultry, citrusy sexiness and sass. Yes Sir, it puts a spring in my jaded old step that's for damn sure. Then I fell over cos things got all blurry after four bottles.

Not that I wish to pick favorites. Your Hard Cranberry also does the trick nicely in a pinch and I see you have a Hard Berry now too, you wicked, wicked boy. I will suck the neck of one of those pretty soon, I am certain.

I'm not a whore though. Sure, I've had dalliances in the past with Corona Light (flighty and only in it for the good times) and Labatt Ice (brooding and incomprehensible), Smirnoff Ice (confused as to its identity - is it vodka or is it a malty lemony drink or something else entirely, I couldn't take the anxiety or ambiguity) and even Scrumpy Jack cider, which used and abused me and made me dance to Bon Jovi IN PUBLIC. Well naturally, that was a fling that had to end.

Since I met you Mike and your Hard goodness (!) I know I never need stand alone amongst the Miller and Coors and substandard alco-pops ever again. I just wanted to say thank you. And that wasn't a burp it was merely the chair.

And your catch phrase there: "Cold, hard and refreshing"? You know what else is cold, hard and refreshing, Mike? ANNA NICOLE SMITH! (Well ok, two out of three ain't bad...)

Cheers!