Today's Ejamacashunal Essay

You know what’s weird? Beefeaters!

No, I don’t mean Texans or rampant carnivores who like to tear the flank off a cow with their bare hands and teeth, I mean those guys who guard Buckingham Palace. They might even walk the corgis, because someone has to stop the royal dog poop from staining the antique Persian carpets.

Now I was under the impression that this was a beefeater right here:

However, no, he’s just a guy in a big, fey chapeau who stands emotionless at the Palace gates to scare off ne'er-do-wells and intruders who want to maybe touch the Queen's bottom or like...perverts who want to see Prince Charles.

We like to say things to these fur-hatted fellows, as they aren't allowed to respond or react to anything. You can taunt those guys all day long and insult their mothers and they won’t even be TEMPTED to make you into a kebab with their bayonets. Well they might be tempted, but they're not allowed to do it, so if you go to visit the Palace be sure to greet them with a hearty “FUCK YOU, Q-TIP HEAD!”

No, honestly, they like it!

I don’t understand why it’s necessary to have such a large fur hat though. What does he keep in there and is it something useful like a bottle of gin? ( Beefeater Gin maybe?)

Also, what if that guy has to pee? Maybe he has an elaborate hidden system full of pulleys and secret chambers that direct his pee-pee into a convenient hot water bottle type contraption strapped to his leg?

I mean, it’s a thought, right? And even if this isn't true someone should market that pronto, because there's obviously a huge demand! Someone should open a Cafe Press store and sell them with the Queen's crest emblazoned on them. Because a royal pee vessel is superior to your ordinary, run of the mill pee vessel.

Incidentally, on second thoughts I'm totally patenting that so don't think about it.

This is actually a Beefeater here:

They’re totally gay looking. In fact they look like they are straight out of a “Blackadder” episode in their little lampshade hats and ruffly, frilly shirty things.

You can insult them too but they’re liable to strap you to a cannon ball and launch you at Scotland, so I don’t recommend it. Plus they might LOOK flaming, but they’re ex-military and won’t think twice about decapitating you if you even suggest their mom has a penis.