Get More Intelligent With The Guv'ner
I thought it was about time I taught all your uneducated heathens a bit about history. Forget what you read in text books, people, this is the story you won't get in school.
Note: This entry is where I manage to singlehandedly insult a) the French (repeatedly) b) Napoleon c) English people d) Sacred September 11th victims and e) George W. Bush (although this one is generally acceptable)
The Guv'ner's Essay on The French Revolution
I’ll keep this as short as possible, because the French Revolution was really, really boring, full of lots of constitutions and extremist groups and who the f*ck knows what else! And besides, let’s face it, who cares? It’s France. Cheese eating, surrendering assmonkeys.
Anyway, Louis XVI - that’s a whole metric shitload of Louies, no? - was the dude who invented the Estates-General in the eighteenth century. Don’t ask me what they did, or what the point of them was, because 1) I don’t know, and 2) I don’t care. All I can tell you is, they apparently disagreed on virtually everything from voting procedures to how much garlic to put in their boef bourgignon.
Anyhow, there was a whole bunch of flea-ridden commoners who controlled this other organization called The Third State – it was never clear to me what in the name of Elvis the other two states were, but whatever, like I said before, it’s France, ok? – and the Third State ended up surprising everyone by gaining control of the Revolution by doing something bogus to someone else, sometime, regarding something or other. It's really not important. I had trouble staying awake that far.
So, anyway, these Third State people took all the privileges away from the Aristocracy and made them cry and wear pink, frilly panties, which would usually be a completely bodacious thing to do, however, despite their “power to the people” philosophy, once the commoners got the power, they didn’t actually bother using it to help any of the poor people, who, as a result, ended up covered in pox and dirt and weeping sores and sleeping in their own feces and not liking it one bit. (A little like rednecks today, except they didn’t have any sofas or a rusty 1955 Chevy with three wheels and a guy in a wife beater scratching his balls, in the back yard.)
They decided it would be good ethics and like totally outstanding, to take the monarchy away from Louis, but Louis had a great big girlie huff about not being king anymore, because not being king sucks I suppose, and so he did what any real man would do faced with the threat of being denounced – he ran away to England to eat caviar and do rich man, nancy-boy things, with lots of gay looking dudes in white wigs and tights. However, he never quite made it as he was captured near the French border and made a prisoner of the French people who tickled his balls with a feather, or something equally gay and French.
Because of all this hilarity with the monarchy, monarchs in other countries like Prussia and Austria got their panties in a knot and decided to make a big French stew. They marched on France with their armies, causing France to run out of bread and start to panic. Well, you would wouldn’t you? During the whole September 11th 2001 thing, we here in lower Manhattan ran out of bread AND milk, and pizza went up 50 cents a slice! It wasn’t pleasant at all!
Then in some manner, that escapes me right now, a bunch of French radicals, known as “The National Convention”, took over operations in France. The most famous radical of this group was Maximilien Robespierre, who had a silly name that was also spelled wrongly by the looks of it, and he and his cronies demanded help for the poor by taking over the government and commencing an almighty “reign of terror” against their enemies.
Right on Maxie!
This reign of terror was a major can of whoop ass, which killed 250,000 people in nine months, which is more than even Kraft Macaroni Cheese!
After this, things got a little out of control, although I can’t remember how exactly, and to be perfectly honest, I couldn’t care less, but Robespierre ended up being executed by his own justice system, which must have been a bit of a bummer to say the least. The French like to execute people almost as much as George W. Bush. Whether they also enjoy cowboy boots, barbecuing and butchering the English language as much, remains to be seen.
Anyway all this palaver led to a new constitution being written in 1795, which annoyed a bunch of people, which, in turn, induced some sort of a coup d’état by none other than tiny, snack-sized, odd hat-wearing crazy man, Napoléon Bonaparte, and mama, at Waterloo Napoleon did surrender, whoa yeah.
This is already more than you need to know.
Honestly, you can thank me later.
