Talking About Boobs With The Guv'ner

I don't wish to imply I think about boobs a lot (my name ain't "Pistols"). However, as the owner of a pair, I was just thinking about men and their unnatural preoccupation with all things boobular and I can't really figure out what the attraction is. I mean, they're just fleshy bags with a tiny bump on the end, they don't really do anything magical except feed babies and although I'm sure that's quite beautiful it's also not sexy particularly. The only other use they have is as a coat hanger when it gets a bit chilly and you're wearing a thin top.

Really boobs just sort of sit there looking either perky and interested or suicidally depressed and floppy. They also like to jiggle up and down while you run, get in the way during sports and sometimes attempt to make a break for freedom out of your tank top if you're in a particular hurry and wearing a somewhat compromised balconette or demi bra.

I can only figure they must be the equivalent of those deluxe stress toys that you keep on your desk and squeeze when you feel a little agitated. Those siliconesque lumps of gel you can prod and squish and pull into long stretchy things, sort of like Stretch Armstrong.

And if anything puts a man thinking about boobs off his stride it might just be thinking about Stretch Armstrong.