Eight (Part Three)
I say lots of things, mostly nonsensical. These are fairly common though for me.
Eight Things I Often Say
- I just ripped one: I say it so that people around me don’t think the boiler’s exploded and start making for the fire escapes.
- Will there be cake?: If you want the Guv’ner’s attendance anywhere, there will be cake…oh yes, there will be cake.
- Do you want to see my finger?: Because ingrate, I will show you my finger.
- Get out of my office: You have no idea how many times I say this. Sometimes I even say it to myself!
- See anything you like?: People are always staring at me. I’m pretty sure it’s not my fabulous serene beauty so what? Do I have a booger? Is my top on backwards again? Did I pull a “Britney” and forget my underwear and indeed my skirt?
- Where is my machete?: Seriously, do not fuck with my machete.
- Where is my Diet Pepsi?: Let me make one thing crystal clear. I don’t do a single thing till I have my Diet Pepsi. Don’t even try to make me. No I won’t Xerox your document, not until fizzy, caffeinated, faux-sweetened goodness is in my tummy. And it better not be Coke. The Guv’ner does not do Diet Coke. If you bring me Coke I will heat it to boiling point and pour it in your pants.
- Fuck you, you fuckin’ fuck! . There’s always a reason to use this. I live in New York City. Whether it be a rude commuter slamming their bag/child/crotch in my face on the subway or a fucktard on a cell phone wandering all over the street in front of me like a lost chicken, while I'm trying to walk home, or a demented fuckstick on a phone, driving an SUV through a red light in the crosswalk and almost sending me into orbit. I once had the distinction of uttering this phrase at a raised volume while kicking a yellow NY taxi cab that tried to kill me when I was crossing the street on my light. Fuck YOU you fuckin’ fuck!
