Silly Britain
Apparently The Kingdom of Great Britain, of which I am a vexed citizen, has some rather antiquated laws, still on their books. They just published a list of the top ten ridiculous ones. You'd think maybe instead of publishing them, they might just go ahead and abolish them but whatever.
- It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
That’s a hard one because YOU want to try staying awake and indeed alive listening to some of the claptrap that they talk about in that place. Besides does this mean if Guy Fawkes had succeeded in blowing up Parliament, he’d have made criminals of all those he murdered? Tsk! - It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down.
Firstly, why would the Queen be upside down? Does she hang by her knees from the parallel bars? Is she secretly a bat? Also, note that there is nothing in there about not being able to draw a moustache, glasses and horns on the Queen’s portrait. So long as she’s right side up you can have her brandishing a golden dildo and you'd still be rocking. - In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.
Really, I would like the job of the person who comes up with these laws. WTF? I mean really? Do the piranhas react better to a topless woman? Was there some lady of the past (or of the night) who declared herself and her tropical fish shop her own country or something and this was the resulting law. - Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day.
Well I break this law every year and I didn’t even KNOW I was breaking a law or I would have enjoyed those pies EVEN MORE. Mmmm mince pies. Contrary to what you American types might think, mince pies are nothing to do with meat. They're fruit pies. Mincemeat is a fruit filling. Don't say the Guv'ner never teaches you anything.
Apparently this law relates to regulating "gluttony". But why single out the mince pie anyway? You can stuff a whole pig in your piehole but that’s ok? A turkey dripping with grease and stuffing? But have a mince pie and you’re pushing the limits, pal. - In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter.
Being from Scotland, I have never heard of this law. I wouldn’t be letting any of you compromised bladdered riff-raff use my lavatory with your germed up derrieres. The thing that worries me slightly about this law is, it doesn't exactly state what it is you are permitted to enter. The toilet? The house? Your no-no place? What? - A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet.
…I’d say that’s called justice only if it was a policeman’s “helmet” that got her in that state in the first place. - The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen.
I just…firstly does the Queen HAVE a tail? Is it a royal trait? I mean all that in-breeding must have some consequences, surely? But then the question arises, what does the Queen’s tail want with a whale part? And do the whales normally wash ashore in parts? And what does the King do with the head, does he make a nice chowder? And do we actually have a king? - It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing.
“I’m 72 you know! I have measles. I like blue! This survey is pants! My son is called Graham. I live in a tree!” - It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour.
Well thank you so much for ruining my next trip to London, pigfuckers. - In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.
As a Scot and a Sagittarian I am staying the hell out of York for the foreseeable future. I wonder if honestly you could get off on a technicality should you actually murder a Scotsman carrying a bow and arrow in the city of York? Who wants to test this?
