Eight (Part Two)
Back due to no demand, whatsoever...
Eight Things to Do Before I Die
- Live in a desert town. See last entry. I think I've made my desert love perfectly clear.
- Swim with dolphins: Preferably not overly amorous ones who would try to do it with me using their stupendous marine appendages.
- Go to Antarctica: Do you know the movie “The Thing”? For some bizarre reason, despite that movie being about alien life forms and its starring one (i.e., a bearded Kurt Russell), that movie actually inspired me to want to go to Antarctica. Now how screwed up do you think I am?
- Finish writing a book: Again, see last entry. One day I will finish it damnit. And I will tie people down and force them to read it too. And don’t laugh because it might be you.
- Go to Key West: OK I know what you’re thinking, “How hard can that be?” but honestly, you don’t know me. Every time I try to go to Key West I get my ass evacuated before I get anywhere near it due to various Hurricanes. I’ve gotten as far as Islamorada in the middle Keys to this point. I’m pretty sure someone in the Keys hates me and plans all this evacuation nonsense the second I book a ticket to any place in Florida. Bastards! They’ve obviously heard of my legendary capacity for tequila and are aware of the very real possibility I will make Key West a dry town within hours.
- Drive across the U.S.A. and Canada: I’ve always wanted to drive across the country and now I want to do the same to Canada (I have no shame). There are so many places to see and no time (or money to do it). This makes me very sad. I like to drive. And I like to go places. This seems the perfect combination to me, why won’t my life cooperate? Won’t someone give me a grant?
- Own a Vespa: I love Vespas. The closest I’ve ever come to owning a Vespa was an old Honda, 49cc Moped that used to belong to my room-mate’s dad. This was back in the 1990s, and I used it to zip around my town at a whopping 30mph (35 if you could find a vertical hill and coax a gale force wind to blow behind you!) The thing was fun but not very cool. I mean it had pedals, for the love of God. Pedals! The idea was you can either ride the bike with the engine or pedal it like a bicycle. In theory yes. In actuality? Don’t even go there. I once broke down a mile from home and tried to pedal that sucker home. It was like pushing a military tank with a feather. Oh you can pedal ok, but I defy anyone to make that sucker actually move. On the upside, I made three local teenagers practically laugh till they vomited.
- Quit Swearing: Because I’m a potty mouth and it has to stop. I won’t though because swearing is funny, goddamn it. In print at least.
