Talking About Boobs With The Guv'ner

I don't wish to imply I think about boobs a lot (my name ain't "Pistols"). However, as the owner of a pair, I was just thinking about men and their unnatural preoccupation with all things boobular and I can't really figure out what the attraction is. I mean, they're just fleshy bags with a tiny bump on the end, they don't really do anything magical except feed babies and although I'm sure that's quite beautiful it's also not sexy particularly. The only other use they have is as a coat hanger when it gets a bit chilly and you're wearing a thin top.

Really boobs just sort of sit there looking either perky and interested or suicidally depressed and floppy. They also like to jiggle up and down while you run, get in the way during sports and sometimes attempt to make a break for freedom out of your tank top if you're in a particular hurry and wearing a somewhat compromised balconette or demi bra.

I can only figure they must be the equivalent of those deluxe stress toys that you keep on your desk and squeeze when you feel a little agitated. Those siliconesque lumps of gel you can prod and squish and pull into long stretchy things, sort of like Stretch Armstrong.

And if anything puts a man thinking about boobs off his stride it might just be thinking about Stretch Armstrong.

26

The perky and sexy miss Catherinette made me do it. I didn't want to, she made me. 26 random facts about me (as if choosing 26 as the number of facts wasn't quite random enough).

1. My right foot is one size smaller than my left and a whole width wider.


2. I once tried to take a whiz in the woods and while squatting, fell over into a patch of stinging nettles and got nasty white bumps all over my butt.


3. I am left-handed therefore much more intelligent and fabulous than you.


4. I'd secretly like to own a handgun.


5. I once kissed some guy with a moustache while severely intoxicated in a student union bar.


6. I once sent my ex-boss an "official" letter on Photoshopped, very authentic looking letterhead, telling him he'd won an award in his field. It was a very serious letter and it asked him to call to find out when the award would be presented and the number on the letter was for a help line for people with severe adult incontinence.


7. I hate Ben Stiller and fantasize about bashing his stupidly expressioned head with a frying pan.


8. I hate tea.


9. I have never smoked a cigarette. Not the kind you buy in a store at least...


10. I have eaten cakes in Amsterdam that uh...made me feel "special".


11. I loathe soccer/football.


12. I once attended a garden party with my dress tucked into my underwear.


13. Once, for a joke, a friend and I bought a third friend a rather frightening looking vibrator as a birthday gift (birthday friend was a boy). We were there when he opened it. Unfortunately, so were his parents. Excruciating.


14. I can say the alphabet backwards super fast.


15. I think Al Pacino and Robert deNiro are overrated.


16. Secretly, I'd love to work for the FBI as a profiler.


17. I get a lot of Kelly Clarkson's phone calls.


18. My favourite fruit flavour is lime.


19. I like lonely, desolate landscapes like the Scottish glens and the American desert.


20. I spent months traveling in Europe with a balding, straight guy who liked to wear granny nighties to bed and who wore bras and fishnets under his clothing.


21. If I won the lottery I'd start a no kill luxury animal shelter so all those abandonned, misplaced and abused animals could live in peace and comfort.


22. If I could pass one law it would be making garroting irritating or cruel people, legal.


23. Cake!


24. My land line phone is a rotary phone with a dial. Pray you never have an emergency in my house. I call my mum in the UK once a week and half the time I have to quit half way through dialing the number because I fall asleep.


25. I don't get why anyone thinks Orlando Bloom is hot.


26. I have a birth mark on my bum that feels like a third nipple. (it isn't)

Eight (Part Three)

I say lots of things, mostly nonsensical. These are fairly common though for me.

Eight Things I Often Say

1. I just ripped one: I say it so that people around me don’t think the boiler’s exploded and start making for the fire escapes.



2. Will there be cake?: If you want the Guv’ner’s attendance anywhere, there will be cake…oh yes, there will be cake.



3. Do you want to see my finger?: Because ingrate, I will show you my finger.



4. Get out of my office: You have no idea how many times I say this. Sometimes I even say it to myself!



5. See anything you like?: People are always staring at me. I’m pretty sure it’s not my fabulous serene beauty so what? Do I have a booger? Is my top on backwards again? Did I pull a “Britney” and forget my underwear and indeed my skirt?



6. Where is my machete?: Seriously, do not fuck with my machete.



7. Where is my Diet Pepsi?: Let me make one thing crystal clear. I don’t do a single thing till I have my Diet Pepsi. Don’t even try to make me. No I won’t Xerox your document, not until fizzy, caffeinated, faux-sweetened goodness is in my tummy. And it better not be Coke. The Guv’ner does not do Diet Coke. If you bring me Coke I will heat it to boiling point and pour it in your pants.



8. Fuck you, you fuckin’ fuck! . There’s always a reason to use this. I live in New York City. Whether it be a rude commuter slamming their bag/child/crotch in my face on the subway or a fucktard on a cell phone wandering all over the street in front of me like a lost chicken, while I'm trying to walk home, or a demented fuckstick on a phone, driving an SUV through a red light in the crosswalk and almost sending me into orbit. I once had the distinction of uttering this phrase at a raised volume while kicking a yellow NY taxi cab that tried to kill me when I was crossing the street on my light. Fuck YOU you fuckin’ fuck!

Eight (Part Two)

Back due to no demand, whatsoever...

Eight Things to Do Before I Die

1. Live in a desert town. See last entry. I think I've made my desert love perfectly clear.



2. Swim with dolphins: Preferably not overly amorous ones who would try to do it with me using their stupendous marine appendages.



3. Go to Antarctica: Do you know the movie “The Thing”? For some bizarre reason, despite that movie being about alien life forms and its starring one (i.e., a bearded Kurt Russell), that movie actually inspired me to want to go to Antarctica. Now how screwed up do you think I am?



4. Finish writing a book: Again, see last entry. One day I will finish it damnit. And I will tie people down and force them to read it too. And don’t laugh because it might be you.



5. Go to Key West: OK I know what you’re thinking, “How hard can that be?” but honestly, you don’t know me. Every time I try to go to Key West I get my ass evacuated before I get anywhere near it due to various Hurricanes. I’ve gotten as far as Islamorada in the middle Keys to this point. I’m pretty sure someone in the Keys hates me and plans all this evacuation nonsense the second I book a ticket to any place in Florida. Bastards! They’ve obviously heard of my legendary capacity for tequila and are aware of the very real possibility I will make Key West a dry town within hours.



6. Drive across the U.S.A. and Canada: I’ve always wanted to drive across the country and now I want to do the same to Canada (I have no shame). There are so many places to see and no time (or money to do it). This makes me very sad. I like to drive. And I like to go places. This seems the perfect combination to me, why won’t my life cooperate? Won’t someone give me a grant?



7. Own a Vespa: I love Vespas. The closest I’ve ever come to owning a Vespa was an old Honda, 49cc Moped that used to belong to my room-mate’s dad. This was back in the 1990s, and I used it to zip around my town at a whopping 30mph (35 if you could find a vertical hill and coax a gale force wind to blow behind you!) The thing was fun but not very cool. I mean it had pedals, for the love of God. Pedals! The idea was you can either ride the bike with the engine or pedal it like a bicycle. In theory yes. In actuality? Don’t even go there. I once broke down a mile from home and tried to pedal that sucker home. It was like pushing a military tank with a feather. Oh you can pedal ok, but I defy anyone to make that sucker actually move. On the upside, I made three local teenagers practically laugh till they vomited.



8. Quit Swearing: Because I’m a potty mouth and it has to stop. I won’t though because swearing is funny, goddamn it. In print at least.

EIGHT

The lovely Mr. Radloff tagged me to do this meme thingy. If I ever meet Mr. Radloff face-to-face some day, I will have to kill him.

Naturally I can never just dole out one word answers I have to post a diatribe, so here's what I'll do. I'll post the first part today. And subsequent parts (rants, all of them) in following days. No? Believe me I'm doing you a favour by not killing you with words.

Eight Passions In My Life

1. Food: Who doesn’t love food? An idiot with no taste-buds, that’s who. Sadly good food is fattening so I must reluctantly limit my consumption of it and sacrifice my “all cake all the time” mantra, for a few carrots or accept that I may just be mistaken some day for the Goodyear Blimp. If a genie granted me three wishes, after the obvious “world peace” and “Get Britney a Decent Weave” my main wish would be that I could just eat food 24 hours a day without putting on an ounce.



2. Animals: Honestly, I love animals. People can bite me most of the time but animals are special. They provide unconditional love and trust. They live by instinct and are non judgmental. Me, I can’t even read animal cruelty stories on the news because it would ruin my entire week or send me into an axe-wielding homicidal frenzy. When I'm in a position to donate to charities it’s almost always animal shelters. I think being a crazy old cat lady one day sounds appealing.



3. Men: Men are nice to look at. You know, in theory. Naturally not all men. I mean look at Fabio. Or don’t, might be a more prudent idea.



4. Travel: The Guv’ner loves to travel. I would travel full-time if I didn’t have to do tiresome things like work and care for cats and men. I love to visit new places. I really want to do a lot more tropical traveling and maybe some sliding around in the Antarctic too. I would like to be one of those eccentric people who just live in an RV and go where they please.



5. Photography: I love photography. I love taking pictures and I love looking at pictures (again, not pictures of Fabio). I would love to be in the position to travel and take pictures and therefore kill two passions with one stone. Or something...



6. Music: I love music like everyone else. I play it too and have done since I was six and took up the recorder. I can read music, I can write music, I have written hundreds of songs, played in three bands, recorded for the BBC and played live in the UK and Europe. (Yes, I am aware the UK is IN Europe, thank you). I love having a fresh new song to listen to – those first few moments of aural delight, before it becomes familiar, are magical.



7. The Desert: Not to be mistaken for “The Dessert” which I’m also quite passionate about, particularly Lemon Meringue pie!
   
   I love the desert. I can only fathom that this is because I grew up in a cold country with long dark hours in winter and often extreme snow/wind/fog/rain. Really though I truly believe I was born to be a desert dweller. I just have a fascination for it and I feel a pull towards it. I love heat, sun soaked landscapes and sparse terrain. I am over the city.



8. Writing: Sure I’m passionate about it, but I’m also lackadaisical when it comes to actually doing it. I have started about eight books and haven’t finished a single one. I aim to rectify this, I really do, but you know, you have to have things aligned just right to be that creative.

Next up, 8 Things to do before I die. Boy, I bet you can hardly wait, huh!

Silly Britain

Apparently The Kingdom of Great Britain, of which I am a vexed citizen, has some rather antiquated laws, still on their books. They just published a list of the top ten ridiculous ones. You'd think maybe instead of publishing them, they might just go ahead and abolish them but whatever.

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.
   
   That’s a hard one because YOU want to try staying awake and indeed alive listening to some of the claptrap that they talk about in that place. Besides does this mean if Guy Fawkes had succeeded in blowing up Parliament, he’d have made criminals of all those he murdered? Tsk!



2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down.
   
   Firstly, why would the Queen be upside down? Does she hang by her knees from the parallel bars? Is she secretly a bat? Also, note that there is nothing in there about not being able to draw a moustache, glasses and horns on the Queen’s portrait. So long as she’s right side up you can have her brandishing a golden dildo and you'd still be rocking.



3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store.
   
   Really, I would like the job of the person who comes up with these laws. WTF? I mean really? Do the piranhas react better to a topless woman? Was there some lady of the past (or of the night) who declared herself and her tropical fish shop her own country or something and this was the resulting law.



4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day.
   
   Well I break this law every year and I didn’t even KNOW I was breaking a law or I would have enjoyed those pies EVEN MORE. Mmmm mince pies. Contrary to what you American types might think, mince pies are nothing to do with meat. They're fruit pies. Mincemeat is a fruit filling. Don't say the Guv'ner never teaches you anything.
   
   Apparently this law relates to regulating "gluttony". But why single out the mince pie anyway? You can stuff a whole pig in your piehole but that’s ok? A turkey dripping with grease and stuffing? But have a mince pie and you’re pushing the limits, pal.



5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter.
   
   Being from Scotland, I have never heard of this law. I wouldn’t be letting any of you compromised bladdered riff-raff use my lavatory with your germed up derrieres. The thing that worries me slightly about this law is, it doesn't exactly state what it is you are permitted to enter. The toilet? The house? Your no-no place? What?



6. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet.
   
   …I’d say that’s called justice only if it was a policeman’s “helmet” that got her in that state in the first place.



7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen.
   
   I just…firstly does the Queen HAVE a tail? Is it a royal trait? I mean all that in-breeding must have some consequences, surely? But then the question arises, what does the Queen’s tail want with a whale part? And do the whales normally wash ashore in parts? And what does the King do with the head, does he make a nice chowder? And do we actually have a king?



8. It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing.
   
   “I’m 72 you know! I have measles. I like blue! This survey is pants! My son is called Graham. I live in a tree!”



9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour.
   
   Well thank you so much for ruining my next trip to London, pigfuckers.



10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.
    
    As a Scot and a Sagittarian I am staying the hell out of York for the foreseeable future. I wonder if honestly you could get off on a technicality should you actually murder a Scotsman carrying a bow and arrow in the city of York? Who wants to test this?

November Spawned A Monster

I cross posted this from Live Journal since I'm saucy like that. And I'm omnipotent. Get used to it, citizens.

I just realized, it's November. I'm not sure what I was expecting the day after the 31st of October, but still. November. That's like...the end of the year!

So because I'm bored and somewhat kind of heart, here are some interesting facts about November. You can pay me later. I accept food stamps and naked photos.

• According to Morrissey and his fey hair, it "spawned a monster in the shape of this child"! I wonder if Morrissey was born in November because, if so it would go a ways to explaining THIS photo of someone's dad going to the Bingo Hall Social. Aaaaargh!



• November 5th, we Brits celebrate "Guy Fawkes Night". Mr. Fawkes was some dude who, with a bunch of Catholics, tried to blow up parliament with gunpowder, back in the olden days and given the fact he had a ton of it he failed miserably and ended up executed by the Protestants.
  
  I imagine the night of the "incident" went something like this.
  
  "Are these gunpowder kegs in position? Yes? OK then. Light the thingy then on the count of 'one' run like your knackers are on fire. Which they will be if you don't pay attention to that last point! Wait... What do you mean you 'didn't bring any matches?'"
  
  Now we remember his "lack of win" by letting off fireworks, roasting marshmallows on a bonfire and setting scarecrows on fire. Don't knock it till you've tried it.



• Allegedly, it is somewhat customary for humans of the male persuasion in Melbourne, Australia to grow a big, furry mustache during the month of November. This is apparently known as "Movember" for "moustache" and "November". So if you're a fan of the Village People or the seventies, take a trip to Melbourne some nice November day.



• In Finland, November is celebrated as "Month of the Dead". That's Month. Take that Mexico. And let me tell you from the experience of one particularly blurry night in Helsinki, the Fins know how to throw a fucking celebration. Those people drink like prohibition is just over the horizon and barreling towards them. And I'm from Scotland so you know, don't go thinking the irony's lost on me here! So dude...don't go to Finland in November. As well as your balls freezing off you're liable to get iced in another way. Just saying.



• In Croatia, November is known as "studeni" which apparently means "cold one". I'm not sure if they are referencing the weather, Hilary Clinton, a stiff (Hi Finland!) or they want another hit of Karlovačko. Believe me, regarding Karlovačko? I imbibed that very Croatian beer while sitting in a square in Split once (at least I think it was square, it was spinning a lot though). For two days afterwards I thought I was the Russian prime minister. That stuff is dangerous. They say it's only twelve percent proof, but twelve percent of what, that's what I want to know...



• November is the most boring month of the year because I can find almost nothing interesting that happened during it, probably because everyone's getting either hammered or murdered. Even Wikipedia was like, "Dude, that is SO all I have, go find a life or something, please!"

So welcome to the Inebriated Month of the Dead Mustaches.