Boston Creme

On the continued theme of terrorism, it seems Aqua Teen Hunger Force has persuaded some ass-dolt to play a little game with authorities by placing suspicious looking packages all over Boston bridges and subways, working up a panic in a city, the likes of which hasn't been seen since the Red Sox flushed their World Series hopes straight down the pooper by selling Babe Ruth to the Yankees. The packages, when opened, were full of Aqua Teen cartoons and pictures of the guy flipping off the cops.

It's funny. All Aqua Teen Hunger Force ever makes me want to do is eat copious amounts of French fries...

While this tosser should enjoy some cop's boot filling his rectal cavity this evening for immobilizing an entire city, one can't help but snigger just a little bit, no?

Although, if the Cartoon Network really did do this for a publicity stunt, a) how dumb can you be, and b) it's hard to insert your steel-toe boot up a network's ass...

Aero-Panic

Terrorism is a global concern and not wishing to make it all about me (well ok...not much) I have to say that I'm a little peeved at terrorists' apparent desire to exterminate me at all costs. For instance, it is always the flights between the U.S. and the U.K. they seek to explode - a route they know that sooner or later I'll be travelling, armed with my trusty Xanax and a nervous disposition that would put Woody Allen to shame and with my penchant for attracting disaster like a big box of nails near a horseshoe magnet, these deadly explosions will happen right around the time I'm flying - most likely the night before I leave, forcing me to tackle the first swarthy dark-skinned person I see boarding my flight and restrain him with a trusty yet hastily concocted contraption made from bra elastic, the strap of my carry on bag and some Big Red gum at which time he will turn out to merely a) Portuguese with a tan, and b) Related to both royalty and the local Chief of Police.

Idiot

It's the little things that make me laugh.

From Overheard In New York

Lady: Hey, I have to get going to that puh-taa meeting tonight.
Husband: That what meeting?!
Lady: Puh-taa. For the school...
Husband: ... You mean the P.T.A. meeting?
Lady: You know that's what I meant!

--W 5th St, Brooklyn

A Funny Thing

People have told me, "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit."

I'd like to tell those people, "Go eat a dick!" because sarcasm is funny, ok? It's non debatable. It's dry, it's wicked, it's rude, it's disrespectful, it's irritating and it's goddamn hilarious.

Those people who tell me that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit are the same people who belly-laugh at the Benny Hill Show, as some lecherous village idiot, who's old enough to know better, chases scantily clad ladies around a field in fast-motion with a big, cheesy grin on his face.

Random Thought Monday

This headline on Yahoo today made me really happy: Keith Urban Thanks Fans For Support During Rehab

The mere fact that some country singer thanking his fans is a news headline, means that there are obviously no more wars, floods, famines or droughts in the world, we've cured cancer and AIDS and everyone has enough to eat. I sure wish I'd known this before I gave that homeless guy on the subway my sandwich.

Yay, let's celebrate by drinking things.

(A)I.M. IN HELL

I hate stupid AOL. I don't use any of their cluttered, in-your-face, badly designed, ugly interfaces or indeed their services and would rather have my toe nails pulled out with pliers than hand over any money to their stupid, evil, money-grabbing overlords, but I have always liked their AIM service in terms of it being basic, plain and efficient. I mean it's instant messenger it's hard to screw that up, even if you're AOL.

However, one thing I'm really not liking one bit is their highly irritating habit of trying to make me upgrade my version of IM every couple of months. Great, if they want to introduce new features or a new look or whatever the reason for this annoyance, go right ahead, just don't force me to do it.

I want to be able to have online conversations with my friends. That's pretty much all I want from my IM service. I don't need it to cook me dinner or teach me Swahili or beam me to the Moon, what feasible level of upgrade could you possibly be offering me to necessitate me upgrading my service? Will your upgrade fan me with a giant palm frond and feed me pineapple? Then I don't want it.

Usually I ignore the messages and it flips me one of those sad-face smiley icons - the ever so subtle passive-aggressive message being, "It's ok if we worked really hard upgrading the service and making it pretty and didn't sleep for like...two weeks, or see our wives, or get to go to our kids' play, but we don't mind if you don't want use it!" and despite the fact, no programmer working for AOL could possibly have a wife, it makes me want to pummel something with wanton abandon.

This latest upgrade, however, is just trying to make me homicidal by giving me no option. The only option is "uprade now" or "x" out the little exit box, which only makes it pop up again ten minutes later. Fuckers. And what's up with this Plaxo business? Stop trying to give me software I don't want. What in the name of God is Plaxo FOR anyway? I'll be damned if I can figure it out and if I can't figure it out why would I want it?

Do You Like Scary Movies?

Film-makers seem interested in fast money and gruesome effects nowadays to provide a "scary" movie. What happened to actual tension and skill? Maybe some interesting techniques in story telling or suspense building? I don't understand why so many movies, supposed to be tense or frightening, rely solely on the visuals of gore and guts and less on tension. The only tension involved is the inevitable, hackneyed pursuit and picking-off of victims and which character is going to bite it in the most unusually atrocious way .

Is it all down to the need for instant gratification? Do young people nowadays have such low concentration spans that they literally can't sit still long enough to wait for a tension to build? Or maybe they're just so used to violence in all its forms from the Internet and video games and film makers have to go one step further to even interest them in a movie.

The best scary movies are ones where nothing much actually happens involving the spilling of people's innards or over-the-top psychotic monsters with a terrific imagination for unconventional weapons. One of my favorite scary movies - Stephen Spielberg's, 1970 made for TV movie, "Duel" - doesn't even have more than a few lines of dialogue, it's just 90 minutes of a guy driving through the desert being pursued by an inexplicably pissed-off truck driver you never get to see, yet it's a chilling, piece of work where the truck and the scenery provide all the dread necessary. Of course, it wouldn't satisfy today's sixteen year olds as I think the only blood in that movie involved Dennis Weaver bumping his head off the dashboard during an errant emergency stop.

I love scary movies, there just aren't enough of them around that aren't just an excuse to show the most grotesquely dreamed-up carnage ever inflicted upon human beings at the hands of emotionless psychopaths. Yawn. Where is the fear people?

I Wonder

Is it possible, that bleary-eyed from several consecutive nights without sleep, as you are escalating into a crescendo of confusion over the slightest of tasks, that you really did have a conversation with that coworker that smells like Brussel Sprouts, about the superiority of Hong Kong Phooey over Top Cat.

Small Wonders

Why are people getting bigger whereas gadgets are getting smaller? Is there some direct ratio conspiracy at work? Out there somewhere, is there a 1200lb man with a cell phone the size of a splinter, implanted in his enormous girth, gurgling amidst the remnants of his latest Whopper?

Cell phones are crazy these days. They can fit in the palm of your hand. They can be skinny enough to give food-deprived supermodels an anxiety attack. They can not only allow you to talk to someone in another hemisphere, but you can play your favorite songs and calculate your taxes while riding the bus, or make a video of your dog eating your wife's panty hose to delight all your friends. One day you're going to need a homing device and tracker to even find your phone as it will be the size of a garden pea, will fit inside your ear and thus ensure the E.R. is constantly full of inattentive people who have seen their device slip down their ear canal into the ringing chasm of their brain.

I saw an episode of "The X-Files" the other night and thought David Duchovny was lugging around a full sized armoire, but it turned out to be a mid-nineties cell phone with an antenna that could tickle a giraffe's chin. No wonder he never actually got to see any aliens, he couldn't see around that huge monstrosity. And I don't mean Gillian Anderson either. Shame on you for thinking it. If you showed Mulder a "Razr" phone he'd probably have declared it alien software and spontaneously combusted on the spot.

Plus what is with the new iPods? (And what does it say about me that five years after acquiring my iPod, the word "iPod" still makes me think of "IHop"?) My iPod, when I bought it, was the sleekest, sickest, most fabulous, sexy little piece of genius you ever saw. How could this tiny little thing be so sleek and little and streamlined, yet store so much music? Nowadays it looks like an enormous World War II tank compared to the little slivers of machines they make, that can not only play tunes but show video and probably tell you the number of times your heart beat increased during the season finale of "24". The new iPod Shuffle isn't much bigger than a postage stamp. I once couldn't find my rental car, there's no way I'm going to be safe around a tiny, musical gadget.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this.

You Know...

Why do people say, "I could care less about such and such..." when it doesn't make sense. You could care less? Then why don't you? Can't you be bothered? If you're not going to care, at least do it properly.

Random Thoughts

If I had a party today I'd like to have a Saddam piňata. I'd hang an effigy of Mr. Hussein by its neck, from a long rope and then smack it with a stick till it gave me candy.

Some people might think that tasteless. The idea, not the candy. However, it's decidedly less tasteless than say hanging an actual human being, even if they are an evil, genocidal maniac with a bad moustache.

Cabin Fever

Another reason why certain airlines suck the life out of passengers, would be this...

Flying

I've never been keen on flying. It just isn't natural for human beings to soar through the sky in a metal cylinder filled with fuel, at 500mph.

It's not strictly true to say that I'm afraid of flying. I'm not. I love flying. It's crashing and exploding I'm afraid of.

For example, most people seem to request aisle seats on flights, for the extra leg room. Me, I like to make sure I have a window seat, so I can keep an eye on the engines and make routine checks to make sure they're still firmly attached to the wing and that the wing is still safely bolted to the fuselage. If, at some point, either of these things is not as it should be, I pledge to be the one who brings it to the attention of the flight staff by standing up on my seat, flailing my arms like a demented octopus and screaming, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"

In conclusion, flying is not natural.

Random Thought of the Day

People will always tell you, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything." Hogwash. I say, if you don't have anything nice to say, start a blog. I mean isn't that what the Internet is for, making a complete ass of yourself?