How Low Can YOU Go?

You know what's funny? Duets are funny.

No, no, I'm not talking about Barbra "Mecca" Streisand and Kenny "Beard" Rogers singing "You Don't Bring Me Flowers" (Or its lesser known but still relevant trade title: "You Don't Give Me Herpes") or Elton John and Kiki Dee crooning their ginormously, annoyingly catchy 1970s' pop hit, "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" (Trade: "Don't Go Breaking A Fart").

No, I'm talking about the sort of duet that occurs when you emit a particularly violent sneeze and as a golden bonus, an unexpected keester-kamikaze at the same time.

Not that I am suggesting I would ever do this. I am a lady therefore I don't emit gases of any sort from my posterior (only Jade plug-in scents in peaches and cream). However, let's say for a moment someone else busted a sneeze with such gusta that out popped an air grenade, unannounced? That would be very hilarious, no? Take my word for it. It would be even more hilarious if the butt-muffin and the sneeze were in the same key and produced a little light harmonizing. Like a barber's shop quartet of bodily expulsions. A Satanic Butt Orchestra.

Which may be the name for my new band.


This would probably not be cute, however, if one were to get the ratio slightly wrong and sneeze viciously only to realize they had stamped their underpants with a beige daisy. I know because this happened to my friend Timo while on a conference call and he was so surprised he had to email me about it.

Farts are funny.

This public service announcement brought to you by the Guv'ner, aged 7.