And What You Are Is A Crack Whore With No Fashion Sense

photo by Jeremy Scott

Hi! Lindsay Lohan here! Yeah I know, like...a superstar like ME, in this piece-of-shit blog thing. When I learn to read I'm so going to write someone an angry email about suing. So like, I thought I'd share my newest cover photo for next month's "Paper" magazine. I was psyched to do this shoot because it's a very elite publication. I turned down like....100 other shoots to do this one you know. I totally made the people at "Dog Fancy" cry! Yeah! Anyway, Paper's really high class so you philostines probably never even heard of it. Anyway, they totes wanted me to do it as I'm like...the biggest skan...star...I'm the biggest STAR in the world.

Of course they wanted me to look really sexy as usual cuz sex sells suckas. Like I could be anything else. I wake up sexy. I go to bed sexy. I take a steaming dump sexy. You all just wish you were as sexy as me.

I'm wearing this chic little silk Chinese inspired number here to highlight my fabulousness and it is SUBTLE, cuz like, it doesn't even show my whole boobs! I feel like an Amish lady.

OK, well, look, maybe it's not SILK so much as polyester but it's really hot.

Talking of hot, oh my God, my special place itches like a shit. That's what my daddy calls it "my special place". At least when he's sober and not trying to kill my mom. Granted, it's less special nowadays and more like a YMCA for b-list actors and homeless guys with accents. I wonder if there's a pharmacy round here that sells Vagisil. Or Monostat. I wonder if this is what they mean by FIRECROTCH...

Are my legs blotchy? I think the people at Paper totes made my legs look blotchy. Oh wait, it's my freckles. Some guy just said I look like a whore but I don't pay attention to that sort of thing. Good luck finding a whore who can blow three Italian men in one night while wearing VERSACE, asshole! I've had more spicy man-sausage in my oven than a German Bratwurst factory.

Where is Germany anyway? Is it near Florida?