The Guv'ner Pretends There Are No Embarrassing '80s Photos Of The Porcupine That Lived On Her Head

This entry is for everyone, but I dedicate it especially to FALWLESS, Catholic schoolgirl and Jesus' personal home girl.

You see, unlike Falwless, as a little child, Jesus most certainly did not love me, nor did he touch me in any way (because that would be a felony) since I was a godless heathen who ate babies and puppies. Here I am right here, looking 6 years old and Scottish - both of which I was - and if you look real hard you can see Satan's reflection in my 6 year old blue eyes. Yes, I was a tomboy child. Yes, I wore that sweater of my own free will. It was part of a set of fashion statement pieces I like to call "desperate 1970s' hell". Don't worry, that non descript hair soon became a big, spikey '80s pineapple of hell. And yes, despite this picture, I DO have eye lashes.

I'll spare you the 1980s' photos mainly because I've burned them all due to the eye burning danger element and my desire not to get my ass sued for cruelty. Ok, I admit, I do have some and one day I will scan them and in a particularly low, drunken move, post them here for hilarity purposes.

For now, here's one from the mid 90s of myself and my big-faced sister.

I should point out that I have no idea, a) why her face is the size of a small planet as it really isn't in real life, b) why we look like we've never seen the sun - damn photobooths and their flash of death, c) Why I have no chin, d) Why we share two parents but look nothing alike. e) Why I look totally cheesed off.

Around this time, I was playing in a band so here's one from about the same time of me looking uber-cool, like the freaking ghost of Kurt Cobain or something. Gosh, you are pointing a camera at me, I HAD NO IDEA! Allow me to caress my Les Paul and pretend you don't exist.

Now here's one from 2005, taken at a weird "My Space" type of angle that makes me look like my face is totally squished and that I have a giant, Karl Malden nose (I do NOT). I have no excuse for that hairstyle (two pony tails, I am hip!) or the fact I'm standing in front of a shower curtain.

Don't you feel like you know me now?