The Way Things Aren't

I’m getting really pissed off with the way things are. Not at work or home in particular, just in life in general. Why do the all the best foods like cake and donuts and cookies and grilled cheese and French fries and…and…fudge and chocolate and roasted potatoes and mashed potatoes and mushrooms fried in garlic butter and pizza and nachos and crème brulee and lemon meringue pie…why can’t these foods have three calories, zero fat or carbs and come recommended by a doctor? I want someone to say, “Guv’ner, you could stand to lose a few pounds, I prescribe two entire layer cakes and a pecan pie, twice a day or else you will die!”

Why, just for one day in my life, can’t I wake up, mouth watering and think, “I can’t wait to get to work so I can nibble on a carrot.”?