The Guv'ner Gets Creepy

Someone called me out recently because I happened to mention that I don’t watch much in the way of TV shows. “Are you some kind of pervert?” they wanted to know? “Who doesn’t watch TV? What do you have to do in the evenings that's so important? What are you, a serial killer?”

I can’t help it. I have never seen “Heroes” or “Lost” or “Gossip Girl” or “The O.C.” or “Will and Grace” or that abominable sit-com that Charlie Sheen is in, or "American Idol" or "Survivor" or that tart Tila Tequila, or a multitude of other offerings from recent years. I just don’t watch many current shows mainly because they are either reality shows, which I hate, or they are ridiculous dramas featuring overly pretty people in designer clothes and perfect eyebrows, emoting all over the damn place without their make up even running.

If it’s not one of those it’s guaranteed to be a law enforcement show about some police types or government agency, running around being angsty with guns and still sporting the perfect hair and make up.

I don’t have much patience for all this perfection. Therefore, my TV viewing is restricted for the most part to older quality shows, because I am a TV snob. My favourite shows are quite lovely and apart from being quality, well-written dramas, they feature some quite bodacious gentlemen. Not that the Guv’ner watches TV shows for the men, of course, but she is certainly not complaining if some happen to find their way in there. And none of them are perfectly coiffed and wearing Armani thank you very much. Think of the eye candy as a bonus. Like the frosting on the cake. The cherry on the cocktail.

One of my very favourite shows ever made is the outstanding Baltimore detective show, “Homicide: Life on the Street” and I fully believe if you don’t like this show, you are missing a chromosome and should just end it all now because there is no hope for you to ever win at life. I mean the show is real, gritty, funny, disturbing, haunting, hard-hitting and if I can just throw it out there for a moment – hosting some prime eye-candy for the Guv’ner’s discerning gaze. I mean I can’t help but notice. Sue me.

Take Detective Lewis here. I would certainly like to! A mere photo doesn't do him justice, but what a prime hunk of big, black, sexy, manly man. The way he fingers his big, steel Glock with a glint in his eye. The way he bites into a doughnut. The wicked grin as he’s joshing with the scary, rubber-faced Richard Belzer. The aloof leather fedora he likes to wear to crime scenes. He just oozes sex. The raunch is just enormous! Get me to a nunnery.

Then there’s Detective Bayliss. There’s a lot a lady can do with a tall, lanky, white guy with brown eyes and floppy hair and a penchant for complaining and trying to be deep. Because honestly, the more neurotic he gets the more the Guv’ner would like to teach him a few hard lessons on the floor of her living room. Yes ma’am! Look at him. He’s just asking for some Guv Luv. You know it’s true.

Moving on in a timely fashion, my other all time favourite show is the X-Files. Contrary to what you might believe, I did not have the hots for David Duchovny at all even if he did look cute in a suit. That was more my sister’s domain. She made it clear that if I stole her love for Agent Mulder she would cut me. No, I loved Mulder in purely an innocent, sisterly way. If I was alone with him I’d make him play Scrabble and watch a chick flick and we’d braid each other’s hair and eat nachos.

The X-Files was an amazingly atmospheric show with some inventive storylines. It was a great accomplishment of film making for the small screen.

Naturally, I must also add that Alex Krycek was totally smokin' hot for an evil, double-crossing agent dude. Look? Did someone turn the heat up in here? If I got him alone in a room I’d chain his wicked ass to the radiator and do things to him with a feather, chocolate pudding and evil intent until he was my slave forever. I mean the Guv is only human after all. If he didn't want such treatment, he shouldn't be looking all leather clad and brooding should he? No!

“But do you like any current shows at all Guv?” you may ask. Well heavens child! Of course I do. I love South Park and the fact it pushes the envelope to the limit every year then proceeds to outdo itself in the next season. Of course it doesn’t host any eye candy unless you count 9 year old boys made out of construction paper. That would just be wrong even for the Guv.

I also love “Medium” but Patricia Arquette isn’t my type, mainly because she has a vagina. Therefore, that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Wasn’t that enlightening? It's like you can see into my soul.