The Guv'ner Gets Creepy

Someone called me out recently because I happened to mention that I don’t watch much in the way of TV shows. “Are you some kind of pervert?” they wanted to know? “Who doesn’t watch TV? What do you have to do in the evenings that's so important? What are you, a serial killer?”

I can’t help it. I have never seen “Heroes” or “Lost” or “Gossip Girl” or “The O.C.” or “Will and Grace” or that abominable sit-com that Charlie Sheen is in, or "American Idol" or "Survivor" or that tart Tila Tequila, or a multitude of other offerings from recent years. I just don’t watch many current shows mainly because they are either reality shows, which I hate, or they are ridiculous dramas featuring overly pretty people in designer clothes and perfect eyebrows, emoting all over the damn place without their make up even running.

If it’s not one of those it’s guaranteed to be a law enforcement show about some police types or government agency, running around being angsty with guns and still sporting the perfect hair and make up.

I don’t have much patience for all this perfection. Therefore, my TV viewing is restricted for the most part to older quality shows, because I am a TV snob. My favourite shows are quite lovely and apart from being quality, well-written dramas, they feature some quite bodacious gentlemen. Not that the Guv’ner watches TV shows for the men, of course, but she is certainly not complaining if some happen to find their way in there. And none of them are perfectly coiffed and wearing Armani thank you very much. Think of the eye candy as a bonus. Like the frosting on the cake. The cherry on the cocktail.

One of my very favourite shows ever made is the outstanding Baltimore detective show, “Homicide: Life on the Street” and I fully believe if you don’t like this show, you are missing a chromosome and should just end it all now because there is no hope for you to ever win at life. I mean the show is real, gritty, funny, disturbing, haunting, hard-hitting and if I can just throw it out there for a moment – hosting some prime eye-candy for the Guv’ner’s discerning gaze. I mean I can’t help but notice. Sue me.

Take Detective Lewis here. I would certainly like to! A mere photo doesn't do him justice, but what a prime hunk of big, black, sexy, manly man. The way he fingers his big, steel Glock with a glint in his eye. The way he bites into a doughnut. The wicked grin as he’s joshing with the scary, rubber-faced Richard Belzer. The aloof leather fedora he likes to wear to crime scenes. He just oozes sex. The raunch is just enormous! Get me to a nunnery.

Then there’s Detective Bayliss. There’s a lot a lady can do with a tall, lanky, white guy with brown eyes and floppy hair and a penchant for complaining and trying to be deep. Because honestly, the more neurotic he gets the more the Guv’ner would like to teach him a few hard lessons on the floor of her living room. Yes ma’am! Look at him. He’s just asking for some Guv Luv. You know it’s true.

Moving on in a timely fashion, my other all time favourite show is the X-Files. Contrary to what you might believe, I did not have the hots for David Duchovny at all even if he did look cute in a suit. That was more my sister’s domain. She made it clear that if I stole her love for Agent Mulder she would cut me. No, I loved Mulder in purely an innocent, sisterly way. If I was alone with him I’d make him play Scrabble and watch a chick flick and we’d braid each other’s hair and eat nachos.

The X-Files was an amazingly atmospheric show with some inventive storylines. It was a great accomplishment of film making for the small screen.

Naturally, I must also add that Alex Krycek was totally smokin' hot for an evil, double-crossing agent dude. Look? Did someone turn the heat up in here? If I got him alone in a room I’d chain his wicked ass to the radiator and do things to him with a feather, chocolate pudding and evil intent until he was my slave forever. I mean the Guv is only human after all. If he didn't want such treatment, he shouldn't be looking all leather clad and brooding should he? No!

“But do you like any current shows at all Guv?” you may ask. Well heavens child! Of course I do. I love South Park and the fact it pushes the envelope to the limit every year then proceeds to outdo itself in the next season. Of course it doesn’t host any eye candy unless you count 9 year old boys made out of construction paper. That would just be wrong even for the Guv.

I also love “Medium” but Patricia Arquette isn’t my type, mainly because she has a vagina. Therefore, that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Wasn’t that enlightening? It's like you can see into my soul.

Can You Feel My Love Buzz?

Hey there! Yes, you! You're looking FANTASTIC. Yes, really! No, don't listen to that guy, you're beautiful. I might kiss you.

The Guv'ner is a little TANKED right now having succumbed to the evils of tequila finally. Icy, frozen, made with fresh strawberries tequila. It just took me five attempts to type "strawberries" because I HAVE RUBBER FINGERS! And a serious buzz. Typing with rubber fingers and a buzz on is laborious and dangerous all at once. But you people...you are worth it. The Guv'ner loves you all.

Myself, and my lovely boy-toy El Codo, put on our party pants and went to my fave Mexican bar which coincidentally and quite conveniently, is just across the street from my apartment. Within handy staggering distance, one may say. Their margaritas are frozen, gigantic (they come in a freaking sundae glass) made with fresh fruit and potent as holy shit. Is holy shit potent? Can shit even BE holy? And does it matter?

Anyway, I am out of practice with the old alcohol consumption due to recent financial hardships, therefore, it doesn't take many of these colossal beasts to push me over the edge into the drunken void. There must be eight shots in those suckers. I'm not even kidding. My tongue just quadrupled in size and gave me a lisp! And I think it's possible I have no toes. Or someone replaced them with french fries! And I love everybody!

But I am in control, people. The past will not be repeated. I will not wake up tomorrow still wearing one shoe because I got exhausted half way through undressing and gave up. Ahem, not that that's happened before, you understand. Well, not more than twice anyway.

Hey, it's the weekend goddammit.

Long Meme Makes the Guv'ner Flippant

I stole this excessive meme from Miss Wendy B. so you can blame her for the tedium. Thank you.

Do your closest friends have any nicknames for you?

None that they’d dare tell me about to my face. I have a feeling the words “psychopath” and “delusional” would feature quite heavily.

What would your ex-(boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse) say about you in one sentence?

He’d say “Man, I really let the most wonderful woman in the whole world go, I am a peckerhead of the highest magnitude and a first class moron!”

What is the greatest achievement of your life so far?

I’m still here. Maintaining an astounding level of immaturity that will probably continue until I’m 92.

How should people think of sex in this, the 21st century?

A little like jogging only without standing in dog shit.

Where would you live if anywhere was possible?

In my vivid imagination. You have no idea the magnificent scope of my imagination.

Is there a sex toy that you would endorse?

I don’t know…is there a good looking RealDoll type of male figure that cooks, tells good jokes and vibrates in all the right places?

Is there a religion that's fulfilling for you and/or the masses?

The Religion of Cheese. I invented it. We all gather and drink wine and worship a wheel of Dutch Edam. We get a tax break and everything.

What inspires awe in your life's experience?

Nature. I’m really a tree-hugger at heart. Save the Earth! Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?

What and when is the most potent emotion you've ever experienced and why?

Lust and anger. If you say otherwise you’re lying.

On what occasions do you act self-absorbed or just plain selfish? If someone assigned you a quest, or if you decided your own, what would you be looking to find?

Selfish? If there are two people and only one chocolate I can see that happening. As for the rest of the question, say what?

If you had to choose between them, would you live in Hollywood, Washington D.C. or New York, and why?

Well I’m already IN New York and have little desire to live in either of the other two places I’d have to say….Santa Fe.

Who or what makes you feel "whole”?

Big, open scenery like the ocean or the desert or the Scottish Highlands. Or a good margarita (frozen, no salt).

Where is your greatest opportunity for change?

I'd say the best place to get change is a bank. Drumcrash.

What do you consider to be the greatest opportunity for humankind?

I’m all about space travel. We need to know what’s out there and more importantly, who. And if their ears are pointy.

What surprises you about getting older?

That you don’t feel any different than you did at 21, you just KNOW more.

What or who makes you feel younger or rejuvenated?

I think I’ll always feel like I’m 25 inside. Music is a good one though. Music can take you anywhere. Even Iceland.

Where or when do you feel most alone?

In a crowded room. I know it’s a cliché but it’s true. I only ever feel lonely in a crowd of people. I don't really feel lonely much. I like lonely.

Where or how is society most ripe for change?

Well wherever people don’t change their underpants regularly, certainly.

Do you think of yourself as attractive to the opposite sex?

I’m more of the girl-next-door, tomboy type whose shoulder they cry on when their girlfriends dump them.

When or where do you feel the most free?

On a sunny, deserted beach or in Death Valley. Or when I’m driving.
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What is the greatest memory of your life to date?

I don’t think I can pick one thing. My most vivid and traumatic memory was the death of my dog. I’m more of an animal person than a people person so it affected me a lot. I think I started getting cynical after that. Before I was all angelic and stuff.

Where and when did you find out who you really are?

Well I have my birth certificate! I mean DUH.

How and when do you collect your thoughts and why?

Seriously, do I seem like someone who collects their thoughts ever?

If someone told you when and where you would die, what would you do immediately after being told?

Well first I’d drink till I fell down. Then I’d inform all my friends never to let me go to that place. Then, assuming my death date was many years in the future I’d party like a monster and do all sorts of crazy stunts knowing I would be fine since I wasn’t going to die for many years. See? Logic at its best.

What are the best parts of being in love?

Anticipation. When that person is the most exciting person in the world.

What's your favorite libation (a drink offered to a god)?

MARGARITA of course. Again, frozen, no salt.

What "life philosophies" have you adopted since you've become an adult?

“Adulthood is seriously overrated.” Oh yes. And "Never lick your own or anyone else's arm pit."

How would you like to be remembered?

I think a bigger than life-sized statue of me in a bikini would suffice.

7 Random Things About The Guv'ner You Have No Desire To Know

That mischievous beeyotch, TERI has tagged me to do this meme thingy, and since this blog lately seems to be all about the meme, here it is! Try not to faint with the joy.

Seven Random (or Weird) Things About Me. (only seven??)

1. I don't burp. Really. It's not an etiquette thing or some noble reason like that, it's just that I can't. I try really hard. I want to be able to burp words like my sister Ahnnie. She can say things like "BOLLOCKS!" while burping and this is a talent I long for. She got all the talent in cool stuff and I got none. (She can also do that wolf whistle thing with two fingers that can hail cabs two miles away. I can't do that either.) I only burp maybe once a year if I get taken by surprise by a super gassy soda or something and even then it's a weak yelp that no one can hear and I'm more surprised than anyone. So surprised in fact I have to advertise it to anyone in the vicinity. "Did you hear that? That was me! I let rip with a mouth-fart!" I do make up for the lack of burping prowess by emitting gasses from my rear at regular intervals and blaming the cat.


2. I have fantasies about moving into one of those perfect showrooms at IKEA full of furniture called Krav and Hub and Stankar.


3. I secretly like mariachi music. The simplicity. Harmonies and Spanish guitar. Perfectly melodious. Big-assed sombreros and sequins! Ahem...yes.


4. Sometimes, at home, I talk to myself in French.


5. I wish all my neighbours would move out and disappear and that the new people moving in would all be older, quiet, childfree, enjoy solitude and have no urge to party or play loud music, but not be too old that they'd fall asleep soaked in gin and set the house on fire with a stray candle.


6. When I was three I fell over, hit my face off a shop window and split my lip open, requiring stitches. I can still remember every moment of this incident including the sewing of the lip and having to eat custard and soup for a week. I know, how interesting.


7. I once recorded an E.P. of "comedy" songs about British celebrities I hated and sold it at my band's shows. I recorded it on a four track in my bedroom and produced a fanzine to accompany it. I had a lot of free time on my hands in those days. No I don't still have a copy.

Well that was sort of anti climatic, no? Oh well. January is sort of a blah month, what do you expect? Happy New Year!