Are you There God, It's Me, The Guv'ner

Dear God,

What have you done with Bert and T.? I don't actually believe in you, God, but if you do exist I'm sure you believe in me, therefore, please let me know where Mr. Bananas and Big T. are because I'm getting kind of worried, ya know? Are they being held hostage by wild coyotes in the desert somewhere, unable to crawl to a water pool for sustenance, limbs hanging by a thread, throats parched like sandpaper? Did they elope to Mexico and not tell us and are, even as we speak, living a life of debauched luxury in Acapulco surrounded by Latin lovelies? Are they looking for Lord Lucan? Please God, I'm worried for their balls. It's golf season in SoCal you know.

Love,
The Guv'ner