I'm confused. How come, when browsing Ebay, the more gushing and glowing someone is in their description of an item, the more eye-meltingly heinous the item is going to be? If a dress is described as "stunning" or "absolutely beautiful" that's usually code for "this dress should not be viewed without a special government license and strong sunglasses".
And what's with the selling of "well worn women's gym socks"?
Not that I was looking...
Posted by The Guv'ner at 14:10
Drivers up here in NYC are getting bent out of shape over the proposed "congestion charge" thing they want to introduce. The big cheeses want to charge eight buckaroonies to each car entering the core of Manhattan on a week day, the idea being less traffic will cut down on pollution and congestion in a gridlocked city. It will also cut down on sidewalk rage from people like me who spend countless minutes a day giving the big middle digit to stupid drivers in cross walks, gassing away on cell phones and almost creaming pedestrians.
Naturally, people are birthing huge pink cows over this idea ('people' being drivers) and obviously, the Big Cheeses, not always being the smartest, are surprised at the resistance.
Personally, I don't get what all the fuss is about. There is ZERO need to drive a car into midtown Manhattan unless you are either a private car service, a taxi, a commercial vehicle or totally, criminally, lick your mother's underwear, insane, so get out of your heated leather seats Mr. Lazy Ass from Long Island or Connecticut and get your lard-like posterior on the subway or train or bus like normal people.
People who drive into the city when there's such a stellar public transport system, are idiots. Besides, anyone who isn't post-lobotomy knows that public transport is faster than Manhattan gridlock.
Besides your excuses don't wash. If you live in Manhattan and own a car you are exempt from this charge. If you need to drive a car for work, your company will foot the bill. If you want to drive your stupid car, regardless, you still can. It'll just cost you eight dollars for the privilege and I am quite down with that. If you can afford to drive into the city every day you can afford $8, Scrooge.
Actually, I'm sure it's mainly spoiled executives who are crying into their wine over this because they're going to have to rough it with the plebs on the train. Which is kind of ridiculous when they're the people who can afford to pay the eight freaking dollars anyway.
Thank you and goodnight.
Posted by The Guv'ner at 10:51
I was kind of sad to see this headline: "Reds' Ken Griffey sidelined by colon problem" because I totally sympathize.
With me it's commas. Do you insert them intuitively, while talking the phrase in your head, or do you sprinkle them liberally like salt in a stew?
Posted by The Guv'ner at 14:56
I've been thinking about that old chestnut, the gun debate. To arm or not to arm. To me it seems like the old chicken and egg question.
Take the abominable shootings at Virginia Tech, for example. The gunman - a non-U.S. citizen to boot - was able to walk into a store and purchase a gun and acquire others, all of which he used to massacre 30 people at VT. Now part of me is thinking, if a large proportion of those students at VT also carried guns, maybe after the first couple of deaths someone would've had the gumption and balls to retaliate by blowing the gunman's head off, therefore, saving another 20 or more people from the terror and eternal peace that followed.
Then the other part of me remembers student union bars on a Friday night and knows that guns in the hands of people who get intoxicated enough to wear traffic cones on their heads, play beer-pong and end up pissing in their laundry hampers while still wearing Hawaiian shorts and a sombrero in December can never be a good thing.
Remember, guns don't kill people, but intoxicated students certainly might.
Posted by The Guv'ner at 11:40
In part seven hundred and sixty three of "Why Floridians are bonkers" it is now illegal to feed the homeless without a permit in Orlando. Whoa, hold on to that sandwich sister, you'll find yourself in pound-me-in-the-ass prison before you can say "Want some mayo on that, dude?" if that sandwich winds up in the hands of Scruffy McHomeless over there. I mean I sort of see the point if some vindictive SOB is feeding the homeless arsenic-laced bratwurst or some other such tasty produce, but regular food?
In other news, backassward laws are nothing new to Florida, after all can't you shoot your gun at anything with a pulse down there, legally (possibly while boning your sister)? In fact, if you don't have a gun you better drag your ass across the border into Georgia or Alabama, pronto. OK, maybe those were bad examples...Maybe keep driving till you get to say...Delaware.
Posted by The Guv'ner at 12:47
This is the last thing I will say on the "Father of Anna Nicole Skank Smith's baby" thing. Howard K. Stern is reported to be elated to learn the baby is not genetically his, because now he can sit back and relax for eighteen years till it's safe to buy her lingerie.
Posted by The Guv'ner at 12:35
OH MY GOD the sky is falling, the sky is falling!
How utterly tragic! I guess someone somewhere will put one of these coins under the microscope, recoil in horror and immediately sprinkle it and its vicinity in holy water and prayer. What if foreign visitors withdraw their tourist money and take it to some country that isn't a great, big, stinking, godless cess pool?
We don't ALL trust in God or even the same God and I kind of resent the Government putting this stuff on coins and notes to begin with. Is there going to be an Atheist coin that worships cake and poker chips? Then I protest. Don't presume to speak for me Mr. Government. Stick it up your pie hole.
Posted by The Guv'ner at 14:48
The human race is a complex and fragile thing. There are people in all corners of the Earth (Earth has corners?) who have developed amazing talents, relevant to improving their situation or adapting to climate. People who can do marvellous things in the name of entertainment, for the betterment of humankind, or just for survival. Men and women who possess or have developed talents to wow and bedazzle our psyches and showcase how truly unique human beings really are.
Then there's this guy, who proves that Darwin may have had a point after all.
Posted by The Guv'ner at 13:59
The book's open on the next milestone on Britney's rapid descent to hell. My money's on her carving the words, "Official fuck vessel of the lord" on her stomach with a Mach3.
It's either that or standing up in a courtroom claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's sprogette.
Posted by The Guv'ner at 16:05
It seems a brand new one dollar coin has been minted. I'm not entirely sure why... I don't know about you but my dollar notes generally work fine. Coins make your wallet heavier and psychologically make you feel like you have less money.
Plus let's face it, things are going to get a touch awkward in strip clubs, no?
Posted by The Guv'ner at 13:08
Some backwoods hick bartender threw a guy out of a bar for not being drunk enough.
Like designated drivers weren't hard enough to find. Like that poor, unfortunate, soda-drinking driver you had to bribe to fill the role isn't pissed off enough that he has to sit at the table with four insane, intoxicated baboons who think everything is hilarious, then drive them home afterwards.
If you're in a bar and you're the designated driver and you're drinking soda or juice, what's the big deal? Those drinks have bigger mark-ups most of the time than alcohol does anyway. Where else can you charge $2.75 for a Coke without someone punching you in the face?
The only time I'm interested in paying $2.75 for Coke is if I'm snorting it out of some hot, buff, boybo's navel.
Even then I'd have to think about it.
Posted by The Guv'ner at 17:06
Global warming can kiss my ass. There isn't a single brass testicle remaining on a primate in New York City. It was 6 degrees Fahrenheit when I left this morning with a wind chill factor of -10. I don't want to hear about your -40 in Canada or your -30F in Minnesota because that's what you expect in those godforsaken icy climes. This is New York City, for the love of God. We don't DO arctic cold, ok, so a wind chill of -10 is akin to making us swim naked in liquid nitrogen.
Wow...what an attractive image that is.
Posted by The Guv'ner at 11:57
Call me cynical if you must, but the idea that a squirrel can predict weather for a whole year is a little much to expect of a furry rodent who only just about manages to stand upright. If a groundhog doesn't have a shadow you might want to check out the "Big Boys' Book of Demons and Otherworldly Beasts and Bastards" first for an explanation, before you start deciding this equates weather predicting. Allegedly, Adolf Hitler didn't have a shadow and look what happened to him! You won't find that information on the Internet either, so don't even try.
I have a much better idea for Groundhogs. The police could recruit them to carry little, tiny keyhole cameras implanted in their foreheads, so they could scurry around, recording drug dealers in the park, particularly the one in Washington Square Park who accosts me every night as I'm walking home, offering me some drug that sounds like an tropical disease. Or maybe he actually IS offering me a tropical disease? I'm almost tempted to find out.
Posted by The Guv'ner at 13:37
One phrase I have always wanted to use is: "I've got freckles on my schmekel!", however, I don't have a schmekel to my knowledge, nor am I Jewish.
I do have freckles.
Posted by The Guv'ner at 16:31
I often wonder why someone wishing to commit suicide would choose to do it by jumping off a tall building. I mean taking pills would be peaceful. Shooting yourself in the head would be instantaneous and pretty much pain-free. Jumping off a building seems to have too many pitfalls. For example, it gives you at least a few seconds to actually contemplate what you're doing on the way down. If you've swallowed 50 Xanax tablets at least you have a window of time to have your stomach pumped before the inevitable happens. But if you jump off a building what happens if you're halfway down, the sidewalk is coming up fast and you suddenly decide that little blonde thing with the pouty lips might make life worth living after all?
Boy, are you going to feel stupid, 'though admittedly, not for long.
Posted by The Guv'ner at 15:14
On the continued theme of terrorism, it seems Aqua Teen Hunger Force has persuaded some ass-dolt to play a little game with authorities by placing suspicious looking packages all over Boston bridges and subways, working up a panic in a city, the likes of which hasn't been seen since the Red Sox flushed their World Series hopes straight down the pooper by selling Babe Ruth to the Yankees. The packages, when opened, were full of Aqua Teen cartoons and pictures of the guy flipping off the cops.
It's funny. All Aqua Teen Hunger Force ever makes me want to do is eat copious amounts of French fries...
While this tosser should enjoy some cop's boot filling his rectal cavity this evening for immobilizing an entire city, one can't help but snigger just a little bit, no?
Although, if the Cartoon Network really did do this for a publicity stunt, a) how dumb can you be, and b) it's hard to insert your steel-toe boot up a network's ass...
Posted by The Guv'ner at 15:51
Terrorism is a global concern and not wishing to make it all about me (well ok...not much) I have to say that I'm a little peeved at terrorists' apparent desire to exterminate me at all costs. For instance, it is always the flights between the U.S. and the U.K. they seek to explode - a route they know that sooner or later I'll be travelling, armed with my trusty Xanax and a nervous disposition that would put Woody Allen to shame and with my penchant for attracting disaster like a big box of nails near a horseshoe magnet, these deadly explosions will happen right around the time I'm flying - most likely the night before I leave, forcing me to tackle the first swarthy dark-skinned person I see boarding my flight and restrain him with a trusty yet hastily concocted contraption made from bra elastic, the strap of my carry on bag and some Big Red gum at which time he will turn out to merely a) Portuguese with a tan, and b) Related to both royalty and the local Chief of Police.
Posted by The Guv'ner at 11:20
It's the little things that make me laugh.
From Overheard In New York
Lady: Hey, I have to get going to that puh-taa meeting tonight.
Husband: That what meeting?!
Lady: Puh-taa. For the school...
Husband: ... You mean the P.T.A. meeting?
Lady: You know that's what I meant!
--W 5th St, Brooklyn
Posted by The Guv'ner at 16:35
People have told me, "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit."
I'd like to tell those people, "Go eat a dick!" because sarcasm is funny, ok? It's non debatable. It's dry, it's wicked, it's rude, it's disrespectful, it's irritating and it's goddamn hilarious.
Those people who tell me that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit are the same people who belly-laugh at the Benny Hill Show, as some lecherous village idiot, who's old enough to know better, chases scantily clad ladies around a field in fast-motion with a big, cheesy grin on his face.
Posted by The Guv'ner at 00:12
This headline on Yahoo today made me really happy: Keith Urban Thanks Fans For Support During Rehab
The mere fact that some country singer thanking his fans is a news headline, means that there are obviously no more wars, floods, famines or droughts in the world, we've cured cancer and AIDS and everyone has enough to eat. I sure wish I'd known this before I gave that homeless guy on the subway my sandwich.
Yay, let's celebrate by drinking things.
Posted by The Guv'ner at 16:04
